Monday Morning Madness

My weekend of doing nothing wore me out. I don't know if it was the gale force winds that have been blowing for a week, the gray, dull weather, lack of sleep, anxiety attacks, being broke, the upcoming move, watery eyes, or just that I'm a case lately and life isn't much fun. I did find out that my increasing anxiety and insomnia are side effects of the Levoxyl I've been taking for three years. So I have the choice of being an anxious, sleep-deprived, jumpy creature of the night, or a fatigued, overweight, hairless walking zombie during the day who has to wear sweaters in 90° weather. Some choice...

The house we wanted has been leased so we're back to looking for a four-bedroom house in a three-bedroom town. I really, really wish that, a) the landlord would lower the rent and we could sign another lease here, or b) we were solvent enough to buy a home. I know, however, that both are fairy tales. Trouble is, our house has already been secured by the couple who currently live next door. He's a coach at OSU so he can afford the exorbitant rent. Meantime, I'm worrying not only about food and basic necessities, I'm also worrying about finding a home between now and July. It's just depressing sitting here in my home where I've lived for the past five years knowing someone else is waiting to move in.

We looked at one place, but it was a crap hole. I refuse to move our family into something like that. We deserve better, damn it. Nettl and I have an uncanny talent for making any place we live warm, welcoming, and classy, but there's not much we could do with a house with 8x8 bedrooms, ragged carpets, and walls with holes punched in them by roudy, partying college boys. It's too bad, too, because I really liked the actual living area of that house, and the back yard was wonderful. The set-up is perfect for our needs, too. We told the property management company that if the owners would pay for the repairs and paint, we'd be more than happy to do the work, but he said they didn't have much money, which means that we'd have to live in a basic ghetto-level house until we could pay for the supplies. For a rental? And for that much rent? I think not. I might consider it if they dropped the rent by $200, but it still wouldn't solve the problem with the size of the master bedroom. We have a queen sleigh bed that would take up most of the room. The other problem is that the current tennents have to be out on August 1st, the same day we have to be out of here. That would give us no time to clean and paint and make repairs. Damn. I hate moving. This will be move number 39 for me. I'm looking 60 years old in the face. I want to land somewhere. I want to put down roots.

Another thing that's been eating at me is that I realize now that I'll never get to live in Vienna. That dream is dead. It seems that lately all I've been doing is burying dreams that never came true, despite my hard work and positive thoughts. Bugger The Secret and the rest of all that weebie-wobie crap. I'm stuck in Oklahoma, and that's the reality of things. And it's humiliating to have the kids buy the groceries and pay the utilities. I don't know why I have a problem with this, we don't charge them rent, and whenever I lived with my parents I did my part. I'm just a mess.