Rounding a Corner

I've made a horrifying discovery: I can no longer drink like I used to. I had a little wine over the holiday, which only resulted in my not feeling very well. I don't mean in the hangover department, I mean while drinking...

I gave up spirits decades ago, which included all mixed drinks and straight shots. I was a force to be reckoned with in those days, my friends. Although I'm little—and was even littler back then—I could drink many men under the table and scarcely feel it. And hangovers? Pah! What were those? I owe that to my metabolism, which was really, really fast. I gave them up due to an ulcer I acquired while maintaining a 4.0 GPA in college. Then Thyroidzilla attacked and has managed to wrest even beer and wine from me.

This New Year's Eve will be my last toot. Outside of a glass or two of wine with friends or over dinner, I'm done. But I'm going out in style: I'll be drinking only champagne, and dry champagne at that. The dryer the better.

I now understand my mentor, Frank, a little better. At his parties he'd whisper to me, "Let's get soused" and while he poured me the never-ending glass of wine, he'd sip on the same glass all evening.

I've already cut way back anyway; it's not like anything is really going to change. The wine I drink is pretty weak, and I've gotten used to pouring it over a full glass of ice, or mixing it with water Viennese style. But my pirate days are over. It was fun, but everything eventually draws to its natural conclusion. We outgrow things and we move on happily to something else. I hope I'm not seeing prune juice and Geritol up the road...