Feeling Good At Last

I don't know if I can, or should, trust this. It has been at least 16 years since I last woke up feeling refreshed, rested, clear-headed, and awake. The last three mornings have been like that again. I don't even need coffee, and I have energy throughout the day. The mind-numbing fatigue is gone, as well as the lethargy and depression. My brain feels... sharper, younger. I don't feel 70 anymore.

The last three years have been hell despite the fact that I've been under a doctor's care. Until last week she hasn't been able to get my TSH levels balanced because I have very weird and unpredictable reactions to medication. It's been a hormonal roller coaster and no fun for anyone around here...

I can't explain the guilt that goes along with having something so debilitating. There hasn't been a day when I haven't felt like a big loser and an even bigger disappointment. Also, because my mother was such a hypochondriac, I felt like I was becoming like her, and I got tired of people asking me how I felt. And then there's the psychological adjustments one has to make to having something that's not only debilitating, but also incurable. And let's not mention the stigma associated with anything having to do with the thyroid (I have Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, which is a disease, not a condition). Try to explain to someone why you can't work outside the home and they just look at you, thinking, "Oh, the fat lady's excuse...". You can see it in their eyes and in the way they dismiss you. And then there's always the asshats who smack you when you're down and violate your vulnerability.

But for now I feel so good that I'm almost bored. That's a good thing! Sitting in the same four walls, seldom getting up or leaving the house for three years would bore any healthy person, but it's all I've had the energy to do. Writing was a chore, composition was a chore. Hell, living was a chore! Suddenly, I'm restless. I want to do things. I want to get out. I want to be active again. I'm taking it easy at first, however, because I still don't trust it. I hope this good stuff lasts. I hope we finally found the correct dosage of Levoxyl. I go back for another test in seven weeks, but I have a feeling that things are okay now, and that they'll stay that way for a while.