So You Wanna Write a Lifetime Movie

After my coffee I sat there reading some of my favorite blogs, in the same sweats and shirt that I'd worn the day before and I thought, "Hell, summer's nearly over, the night time temps are dipping into the 60s, I'm sick of do-it-yourself shows and Lifetime movies... I'm gonna go take a shower, get dressed and spend the day in my hammock!" So here I am. The weather's lovely, my MP3 player drowns out the AC monster, the cat's asleep on the glass-top coffee table next to me, there's a slight breeze tickling the wind chimes, and all of the plants we potted in May have grown to the extent that the veranda resembles a small jungle. The only things missing are beers and mosquitoes. I can live without the latter and the beer isn't really what I want right now, anyway.

I haven't come up with a list of things that you learn watching TV, but I've noticed that if you ever write a screenplay for the Lifetime Network do not omit the following:

• The leading female character must moan and grunt suggestively whether she's crawling out a window, falling down a flight of stairs, or opening a jar.
  
  
• The lead character always drives a 90s model Jeep Cherokee.
  
  
• The leading female must be either Tracy Nelson, Shannen Dougherty, Donna Mills, or Cheryl Ladd.
  
  
• The leading male can be just about any actor on the downside of his career, as long as he's 20 years older than the leading actress and he's Tim Daly.
  
  
• Lifetime movies are this decade's "Love Boat" -- you have a whole slew of has-been actors to choose from.
  
  
• If someone breaks into someone's house and kills, or tries to kill the woman, it's the husband, and he's having an affair.
  
  
• If there's a third person in the house watching the husband kill the wife, it will never occur to them to call 911.
  
  
• It's apparently easier to kill your abusive husband that it is to pack a suitcase and leave.
  
  
• And the judge will feel sorry for you.
  
  
• The only people who go crazy are the creative people. Obviously, writers, artists, and musicians are dangerous.
  
  
• And they somehow have the money to survive without a day job.
  
  
• There are only white people in the Lifetime world, unless it's a police chief, then he's always black. In addition, the housekeepers for the white people are either Latino or Asian. However, it's okay to cast a token black couple as long as they live in a gated community.
  
  
• Everyone can afford interior designers, memberships at the country club, and lunches on Rodeo Drive, but they drive a 90s model Jeep Cherokee.
  
  
• Except for the leading characters' parents. They live in either a trailer, or a small Victorian bungalow.
  
  
• I just like saying "bungalow".
  
  
• Everyone's life is full of crime and murder.
  
  
• Everyone carries millions of dollars of life insurance.
  
  
• If you have a teenage daughter, she will run away from home to become a hooker while trying to become a movie star.
  
  
• And her pimp will drive a 90s model Jeep Cherokee.