- Abilify (You will be able to remember shit)
- Abreva (Makes short shrift of that embarrassing herpes you picked up in the 70s)
- Activelle (Menopause? Get off your duff and act like you're 20 again)
- Ah-Chew (Just plain silly)
- Allegra (Allergy control for musicians)
- Alleve (Because alleviating arthritis pain is as easy as treating a headache)
- Ambien (Ambiance is everything when you can't sleep)
- Amerituss (For the patriotic cold)
- Aristocort (For the well-insured itch)
- Boostrix (Boosting kids whose parents didn't get them their required vaccinations)
- Celebrex (Celebrate your ability to pay for designer drugs!)
- Claratin (We'll clarify your mucus membranes)
- Concerta (Perfect harmony between your hyperactive child and our Bottom Line)
- Crestor (Climb the crest of your dietary issues)
- Ebulia (Chemical Nirvana is only 20 minutes away)
- Effexor (Side effects are guaranteed)
- Enablex (Let us enable your insurance provider)
- Enjuvia (Because no one respects a tired woman)
- Flomax (Blow your nose!)
- Lunesta (If you've seen one moon, you've seen 'em all)
- Lyrica (Sing about your epilepsy, dammit, sing!)
- Paxil (Because your family needs some peace)
- Restoril (Directions: take one tablet and turn off the television)
- Solaris (Don't forget to get a meningococcal vaccination while you're at it)
- Viagra (Freudian word association: Niagara = honeymoon = gush all night!)
- Voltarin (For the philosophically inflamed)
- Yasmin (No more ethnic babies!)
- Yaz (For treatment of an obsession with an 80s dance band)
And they won't legalize pot?
One of the weirdest side effects I've heard listed on a drug commercial was concerning Mirapex:
"According to a study by Mayo Clinic doctors released in July 2005, the drug Mirapex may cause compulsive gambling addictions." (source)I don't know about you, but this RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome) sounds to me like just one more thing that doesn't need a drug. Get up and walk, for crying out loud. Your day consists of moving from bed, to car, to cubicle, to car, to La-Z-boy, to bed. Your leg is restless because your muscles are atrophying. Would you really trade a restless leg for a life mired in the darkness, shame and stench of compulsive gambling? Is losing your credit cards, your bank account, your car, your home, even your family, worth treating a tic?
One of the most ridiculous commercials I've seen tells me that whatever ailment their product is supposed to treat has no symptoms. And they never say what that illness is.
Dr. English: "Hi Steph. What can I do for you today?"Understand that I'm not minimizing or making fun of illnesses or those who suffer from them (given the state of my health, I'm in no position to do that), just the pharmaceutical companies who think we're all idiots.
Me: "I need a prescription for (insert name of drug here)."
Dr. English: "Why do you think that?"
Me: "Because I have no symptoms."
Guess I'll put on my Lyrica sunglasses, grab my Yaz bag and drive my Solaris to the drug store. We're out of Aspirin.