Advice to a Famous Insomniac

While channel surfing this afternoon, I came upon the latest celebrity reality check show, "Hey Paula", starring Paula Abdul, in which she confessed to being a long-time insomniac.

As an ex-insomniac (as I always say, it's not that I can't sleep now, it's just that I'd rather be awake. I cured my old unwanted insomnia and am now up all night by choice when I want to be) I have a couple of pointers for Ms. Abdul.

First and foremost, lay off the substances. I don't know what you're on, but it's doing you no favors. Secondly, do not, I repeat, do NOT drink 32-ounce lattes at 4:30 in the morning when you have an 8 a.m. wake-up call. How stupid is that? In fact, never drink coffee after 6 p.m. Thirdly, realize that the people around you are there because enabling you creates job security, not because they actually care about you.

I don't say this to be cruel--I've always been a big fan--but instead of coming off like a young, misunderstood Marilyn Monroe, you're coming off like a used-up Judy Garland. Inspiring pity is not the same thing as inspiring compassion.

Hey Paula! Wake up and go to sleep! Do you really want to be the next televised train wreck?