Hello everyone. I just thought that I'd tell you what's going on around here. I'd tell you my name, but I'm not sure what it is. At first, they called me Sweetie, but that's been changed to Kitty, sometimes Cat (when my people are angry at me for God knows why) or, worse, F**ker-Cat. Sheesh. I don't understand people. I like things to be a certain way, you see. I like my meals on time, doors to stay open, and my litter box to be clean. Is that so much to ask? In fact, what prompted me to write is the subject of food.
Why is it so hard to get a fripping meal around here? I know that my meals are always at 7:00 am and 5:00 pm. That's why I start two hours earlier to remind my people that meal time is coming. If I didn't, they'd probably forget. You don't know what a hassle it is working a four-hour split shift just so these bozos don't forget to feed me. Besides, it works. Sure, they get mad and call me names, especially when I sharpen my claws on the furniture, but I do that stuff on purpose, you see. All this hard work, and do you know how they reward me? They go and give MY FOOD to that old yellow Tom who lives in the dog house in MY BACK YARD! Out of MY Bistro feeder! Just great. He gets an unlimited supply of food that he can have anytime he freaking wants it, and I have to wait for MY food. He doesn't even have to do anything to get it, either! I've never been more insulted! I hate ferals. Get a job, ya lazy-ass!
As if that isn't enough, there's that calico Tom who sits on MY porch and stares at me through the door like I'm a piece of meat or something, the birds that sit in the bush just outside MY window, teasing me, all these damned neighborhood dogs, and worst of all, that ugly-assed cat that walks around on MY roof at night. At our other house I was top cat in our neighborhood! I was a force to be reckoned with! But here? A mere shadow of my former self. And now they're feeding that old fart in the back yard.
Well, that's all I really wanted to say. I feel much better now; I think I'll take a nap. Thanks.