- Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?
- Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?
- Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?
- Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?
- Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?
- Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?
- Will there be a television in the bedroom?
- Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another’s ideas and complaints?
- Have we reached a clear understanding of each other’s spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?
- Do we like and respect each other’s friends?
- Do we value and respect each other’s parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?
- What does my family do that annoys you?
- Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?
- If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other’s family, are we prepared to move?
- Does each of us feel fully confident in the other’s commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?
What questions do you think are important to ask before marriage?
I agree with most of these questions. One in particular is about the finances. I want to know, Are you in debt? If so do you expect that MY income will be disposed to help pay off that debt? How will your debts affect my financial future and credit? These may sound petty when you all “in love and nothing else matters”, but trust me, it’s not petty and it does matter. Besides, the more you know about someone's spending habits of the past, the more you know about how this will affect you in the future.
ReplyDeleteForgot one:
ReplyDelete“What am I… NUTS?”
LOL RW.
ReplyDeleteVille is absolutely right. You might also ask: “Are you a person of interest to the IRS?” That happened to my husband’s sister.
ReplyDeleteAll of the above plus… Do I even like this person… other than the fact that I’m totally hot for them? Because after a while the hotness goes bye-bye! And, all you have left at times to keep you going is the friendship and the fact you find them interesting. And believe you me, after 15+ years… I know. The hotness fades, especially after the babies have caused havoc on your body! lol
ReplyDeleteOh… and I had one relative that wished she had asked this question, “Have you ever been in prison for embezzlement, and do you believe in stealing from the relatives?”
When I look at those questions, I think that one might be setting oneself up for a rather rigid, business-like, relationship. Though it is good to have an intimate knowledge of the person one is going to marry prior to event, I think it is far more important to know how one’s partner is going to grow with the relationship. Personally, I think it’s important to repeatedly discuss these things:
ReplyDelete1. “While we currently agree on goals, marriage is about remaining together and moving forward as a team. How good are you at change and the compromises necessary to continue a loving relationship when things evolve differently than planned?”
a. Question to self: “If he or she is not at all flexible, am I willing to live my life strictly according to his or her wants and needs?
* If that is true, is this because his or her needs are similar to mine, or of a purpose that I feel is worth the sacrifice, or because I am just currently along for the ride?
* If I’m along for the ride, is it because I have no sense of myself or am I truly a roll with the flow sort of person, because if it is the prior, there is going to be trouble ahead.
2. Do you truly believe that marriage is for better or for worse? At what point do you draw the line from worse to worthless?
a. Financially: “I realize we have certain goals and desires now, but what happens if we lose everything unexpectedly?”
* “Can you handle the change without blaming or leaving? Will you work together to get out of this mess or will you leave to create a new life?”
* “If we become unexpectedly wealthy, are you still committed to working together through the challenges or are you likely to go nutty and run off with a new toy to Tahiti?”
* “If either answer is no, am I willing to live my life in constant fear of change in financial status, whether due to uncontrollable circumstances, or because of a bout of folly? If so, why?”
b. Sexually: “How do you and I truly feel about sexual indiscretion?”
* “Is this something that is so important that it is definitely the end of our relationship? If so, why”
* “Is this something that you or I feel may be an issue or something to include? Why is this so and and how can we handle the ramifications?”
* “If there is an indiscretion, are you willing to work things out and move forward, or is this relationship based purely on sexual fidelity? Why?”
* “If I am unable to have sex are you willing to stay with me and how will we deal with that situation?” (See question 1 for flexibility)
3. “Are you Loyal? Are you the kind of person that I know I can rely on to be my true life partner, or do I have to walk on eggs in order to make certain that you do not leave? Is there always going to be that possibility lying under foot?”
4. “Are you willing to stand by my side and to gently help me attain what is best for me even if it is inconvenient for you? Am I willing to do the same for you?”
5. “Can you love me if I am paralyzed, suffering from dementia and cannot control my body functions and are you willing to do what it takes to ensure my care in that situation, including pulling the plug for me, if necessary?” “Am I willing to do the same for you?” “Why?”
You can’t possibly ask all the questions that hindsight will tell you that you should have.
ReplyDeleteSome things are core values. Religion, for instance. If you’re a Pagan and he’s a preacher, you are going to run into some rough waters. Even if you are both atheists, there’s always the possibility one of you will “get religion” at some point in the future. What has to be decided is whether you can respect each other’s belief.
You can’t predict the future.
Of course, lust can convince a potential spouse to say anything, so you have to look out for that, as well.
Ronni,
ReplyDeleteYour comment brings me back to mine. I really think it all boils down to flexibility and commitment to be a team, act as part of a team, and to remain a team. I’d say no matter what, but there are exclusions.
I completely agree with P. You are so wise. A relationship that is a team. We grow together. We support each other as individuals. We each have our own sense of self worth and choose to love each other, not ‘falling in love’ or ‘dream/romanticism’ but a partnership, equal.
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with P. You are so wise. A relationship that is a team. We grow together. We support each other as individuals. We each have our own sense of self worth and choose to love each other, not ‘falling in love’ or ‘dream/romanticism’ but a partnership, equal.
ReplyDeleteRonni,
ReplyDeleteYour comment brings me back to mine. I really think it all boils down to flexibility and commitment to be a team, act as part of a team, and to remain a team. I’d say no matter what, but there are exclusions.
You can’t possibly ask all the questions that hindsight will tell you that you should have.
ReplyDeleteSome things are core values. Religion, for instance. If you’re a Pagan and he’s a preacher, you are going to run into some rough waters. Even if you are both atheists, there’s always the possibility one of you will “get religion” at some point in the future. What has to be decided is whether you can respect each other’s belief.
You can’t predict the future.
Of course, lust can convince a potential spouse to say anything, so you have to look out for that, as well.