I have nothing left. I'm not only burned out from the past week, but from an entire life of abuses, caretaking, drama, and trauma. My health is bad, I've not accomplished the things I've worked for and, frankly, I'm not a bottomless well. I can't even be a cheerleader for myself right now, much less everyone else. I feel like a vending machine that no one has refilled and that whenever someone comes to get something and finds it empty, they kick and pound it, forcing it to give up a supply it just doesn't have...I've been a live-in, hands-on parent for nearly 40 years. I was a nurse and caretaker of my ill and dying parents (in their turns) for 13 years, and I'm just plain old tired. I have a beautiful, supportive and loving family and Nettl is the best partner in the world, but carrying my bag o' shite isn't her job. We help and support each other, but sometimes that just isn't enough for either of us. Sometimes we need other family members to remember that we're just people with our own needs, disappointments, and frustrations, that we're not limitless founts of verve and enthusiasm. If I'm sometimes perceived as uninterested, maybe I'm just exhausted. Do I not have the right to conserve what meager emotional resources I have left for myself? I'm only as good for everyone else as I am for myself, after all.
Right now, all I need is NO MORE INPUT. Don't ask me to show animated enthusiasm. Don't demand that I be your cheerleader. Don't expect me to get all caught up in your drama. The sooner I am able to sit back and recover, the sooner I will be there for you again. And I will be there. Just please have a little patience with me if I'm older, slower, and unable to carry as much emotionally as I used to do. It doesn't mean that the love I have has temporarily diminished; that never goes dry. But sometimes I need a hug, you know? Some show of affection, gratitude.
Yeah. That would be nice.
