You're a Writer

Either - Or

I'm no genius when it comes to sociology, but I suppose I've learned a few things about life and human nature during my time here. I mean, you can't really be a character-driven author without taking a few notes along the way.

It seems to me that our society (I won't say 'world' because, having spent a bit of time in the UK and Europe, I can attest that we're more prone to do this here in the States) is growing ever more black/white, good/bad, us/them. In our defense, it's probably because we're so young as a nation. Compared to our grey-beard ancestral homelands, we're only about 14 years old and we're making all of the mistakes that teens make as we struggle to find our place in the course of human history. My point of writing this is not to delve into the political because, as you know, I steer clear of that at all costs. My point is to share with you something that I've been learning for some time now, and find interesting.

We're always getting asked, "Are you a cat person or a dog person?", "Are you gay or straight?", "Do you prefer PC or Mac?", and countless other questions that demand only black and white answers. I tend to see these things as a continuum—and I despise any kind of labels that only serve to divide us as human beings—so I always reply with the question, "Why must I make a choice?"

The truth is, I like both cats and dogs; would you ask someone if they preferred moose over mountain goats? The fact that cats and dogs happen to be the most prevalent domesticated animals does not make them anything alike outside of the fact that both are 4-legged mammals, and they've, well, been domesticated.

As for the gay/straight question, it's really no one's business anyway, but I've always seen the sexuality situation as an arc with a lot of degrees between one end and the other. I guess I fall somewhere around 45 degrees between the two. I have after all been married and have given birth to two children. And as far as my preference for computers is concerned, I happen to like both PC and Mac, each for their individual strengths and functionality within those areas of strength.

This enforced side-taking all comes into play in my writing life, of course, as I find myself defending my right to use adverbs and adjectives. I would no more want to over-use either of them any more than I would want to under-use them. It's a question of balance and taste, not rules set down by people trying to make concrete (language and writing trends) something that is constantly evolving and changing. The rules of today will be broken in the future as new rules take their place.

In my advanced old age (lol) I'm learning that there is room for everyone. If you don't like adverbs, don't use them. If you do like them, please feel free. If you prefer Times New Roman to Garamond, then use it. If you want cream paper instead of white, select it. It's called style, it's called individuality, and what a boring world of literature it would be if everyone followed all these rules religiously. I never intend to buy a genuine fur coat, but I demand the right to make that decision for myself, damn it. I follow this philosophy in every choice our society tries to place on me. By imposing black/white choices on ourselves, we limit our experience of life, and our capacity for fullness and personal growth.

It sounds a bit trite in today's climate of cynicism, but a house divided is destined to fall. Let us not impose these immature, divisive restrictions on the arts. If we do, civilization itself is dangerously threatened. In a society that is increasingly losing its color and vibrancy, it's important that we remove the mental stays and make our own choices. And allow others to make theirs. Only then can we fully enjoy what each and every one of us brings to the table.

What's In a Name?

Many years ago—26 to be exact—my mentor, Maestro Frank A. Salazar, the founder, director and conductor of the Ventura County Symphony (where I served for six years as his assistant) told me he’d reached a place where he wanted to de-clutter his life. It’s hard for me to imagine, but he was the age I am now. Well, I’ve found myself at the same place. To this end, I feel the need to de-clutter even on the most personal level, that is, with my name.

In 2000, when looking to publish a first-first novel of Mozart’s memoirs, I ran into a lot of flack from publishers, agents, and critics. "What can a woman know about being a man?" "How can you speak for Mozart? You’re a woman!" That kind of thing. I decided to adopt a nom de plume, a pen name. Lots of writers have done and still do this, both men and women, so I thought it was a good idea. Using the name my parents had picked out for me if I’d been born a boy, I took on Stephan Karl Waller. Then, as I began to make friends online, I began to be called Steph, because it was androgynous. Well, Stephan Karl hasn’t existed for many years, but Steph stuck.

I was named Sheila Kathryn Waller at my christening, but only the US government and creditors have ever called me Sheila (when I lived in England in the late 70’s my friends over there called me Kate, which I really liked). But, except for Maestro Salazar who happened to like Sheila, since childhood I was always just Kaye (I added the E when I was 15, thinking it was cool—LOL). Personally, I don’t like Sheila at all, it just isn’t me.

Anyway, with all the de-clutter I’m going through, I’ve decided to stop introducing myself to new people as Steph. Instead, I’m returning to Kaye. Those of you who have only known me as Steph, don’t worry, you can call me that, but all of you who have known me for umpteen years can feel free to address me as Kaye. Most of you already do. Most people in Facebook call me SK because that’s what I’ve used in an attempt to make things less complicated.

What I’m saying, basically, is this: call me by whatever name you like, but please, PLEASE, no new nicknames—I have too many as it is now!

Are you totally confused? You should try living with all this in one lifetime!

California Dreamin'

I admit that I'm totally digging my California Gold Coast Dreamin' blog these days. That's probably due to the fact that I'm currently planning a trip to the tri-counties area, where I spent the first 49 years of my life, in September.

I've been invited by the organizers of the Thousand Oaks BandTree Festival to cover the event, BandTree IV, and even help out with the promo, so I'm looking at this as a business trip as well as a brief, much-needed homecoming.

Recently, I began organizing my memories and research for a coffeetable book I'm planning, which will be titled, appropriately, California Gold Coast Dreaming. During this trip I'll be able to conduct interviews, gather information and take scads of photos so, yeah, it'll qualify as a tax write-off. My site is quickly becoming a motherlode of resources for that book, as well continuing its primary purpose of being a meeting place for hundreds of musicians from my old stomping grounds. Exciting!

It will be a lot of fun reconnecting with some of the local bands and musicians that I spent my teens dancing to, and being with old friends that I haven't seen in umpteen years, one of whom is my dear, dear "big brother", Ernie Joseph, who I'll be staying with for a couple of days, in Santa Barbara).

So if you care to keep up with the musical part of my life, check out my other blog!

Tower of Power, Lennon Style

Wow, look what a friend just posted in Facebook! Do you remember a couple of weeks ago, I made a post about some Lps I bought at Tower Records in Hollywood? Well, here's a video of a Tower telly advert made by John Lennon.

What a find!

It's All Your Fault!

The Blame Game
by Ken McLeod
Buddhadharma Magazine
Summer 2012 quarterly issue

Blame is refreshing, because it is so unambiguously a reaction. You don't have to think or wonder about it. As soon as you see you are running the blame game, you know you are in reaction. Stop right there. What's happening?

Clearly, things didn't turn out the way you expected or wanted. You are frustrated and disappointed, and you can't tolerate those feelings. You don't want to feel this way.

You have a story about what happened, but that story is immediately suspect because in it, you are the hero. You use logic and reason, the opinions of others, support from friends or colleagues, to bolster your story. You are right!

But remember, when it comes to blame, reason is a weapon you use when you do not want to acknowledge your anger. Or, depending on your predilections, you turn it around--you still have a story and you still have a privileged role, but this time, you are wrong. It's all your fault.

To counter this pattern, the first instruction is to lay all your problems, everything that is wrong in your life, at the doorstep of one pattern: wanting things to be different from what they are. Blame is a wonderful reminder here of how deeply you want the world to conform to your expectations.

The second instruction is to meet whatever arises. Don't avoid it, internally or externally. When things turn out differently, meet that situation, not the one you wanted or expected.

One last point. Blame is a form of mind killing. It reduces the complexities of a situation down to one emotionally charged point. It blinds you to the role of other factors. It provokes reactions that lead people to act against their interests.

Thus, when the blame game is running, stop. Stop right there. Step out of your story. Step out of your judgments. Step out of your obsession with who's right and who's wrong. Step out of your racing mind.

Take a breath and meet the world you are in.